TRAVEL: The Lonely Death Of The Long Distance Travelling Salesman

This picture, taken last week, shows you the oh-so-luxurious segregated check-in area allocated to members of a famous hotel chain's loyalty scheme. A lovely rope separates members from the proles, and they get the privilege of standing on a small mat as they check in. To be honest, I'd feel kind of guilty lording it up so much over the lower orders if it was me, but I've always been quite sympathetic to the finer feelings of my servants.

Anyway, I had to stay overnight in a hotel last week, for a meeting the next morning. And within a couple of hours of arriving there - despite it being a reputable chain (though one of its heirs seems determined to sully that legacy if possible) - I could understand why Willy Loman and Alan Partridge alike loathed being away from home so much.

The setting and reception were pleasant enough, but when I checked into my room and dumped my bag on the bed and looked around, I felt a sinking feeling; there was a TV, an ironing board and iron, a selection of menus and other bits of information for guests, and (oh yes) a Corby trouser press. I had, I suddenly realised, become that cliché, the chap who stays away from home overnight for work. I was thankful I'd travelled there by train and taxi, rather than driven there in a car with a suit hanging in the back and 'Top Gear Driving Anthems 2' on the stereo, that would have made the picture unsettlingly complete.

Deciding to eschew the bar or restaurant, I instead ordered some room service food, and settled down to see what was on the TV, by way of a mental sorbet. The standard terrestrial channels were there, along with a number of on-screen adverts for the fact I could pay £8.50 to watch Beowulf in glorious normal-sized-TV-o-vision. I decided that I'd rather either see it at the cinema for that cost, or even buy a copy of it for slightly more, and instead opted to watch a Batman cartoon which was on (for reasons which elude me, they had the Cartoon Network in addition to the usual channels).

The food, for the record, was fine, and a bit later on I chatted to my beloved on the phone, which made things feel a bit less grim, but there was something strange about the overnight experience; I was reminded of the narrator in Fight Club talking about his apartment building being a filing cabinet, and the food on planes being single-serving. The hotel felt the same - the room was functional but not luxurious or welcoming, and the miniature toiletries were like a plastic soap-filled summation of the transient nature of it all.

I slept all right, but when I went to breakfast the next morning, there were a couple of chaps in shirts and ties sitting at a table already, eating breakfast and talking about their sales targets. Just overhearing them, I swear I could actually feel my soul shrivelling like a slug in a saltstorm.

I took my tray, and its single-serving breakfast, and sat in the furthest possible corner of the restaurant.

Transcript Of Phonetap Recording Made in 2006 Under The US Patriot Act

[Telephone connection is made]

Australian National Eric Bana: Hello?

Unknown voice: Eric, baby. It's your agent here. How are ya?

Bana: I'm fine, thanks. What's new? Got anything good for me?

Unknown: Well, just got a new script in this morning, but I don't think it's quite right, really.

Bana: Not quite right? Why?

Unknown: I'll send it over, but it's a historical drama - and after Troy, I didn't think you'd be into that.

Bana: Hmm, you might be right. Still, what's it about?

Unknown: That English King, Henry the Eighth.

Bana: What, the chubby King? That's not very flattering, is it?

Unknown: No, but I think they're trying to move away from the stereotype.

Bana: I guess so - like Colin Farrell having highlights when he played Alexander the Great.

Unknown: Something like that, yes.

Bana: Anyway, so I'd be playing Henry the Eighth?

Unknown: That's the offer.

Bana: Who's the director?

Unknown: Justin Chadwick.

Bana: I've never heard of him.

Unknown: No, you wouldn't have, it's his first movie.

Bana: Oh, right. What about the screenwriter?

Unknown: It's Peter Morgan. He wrote that film about the Queen the other year.

Bana: That was nominated for an Oscar, wasn't it? Hmm, that's a bit more promising. What's the basic premise?

Unknown: You play Henry, and the two Boleyn sisters fight over you. I'll be honest, Eric, I think you're the last major character to be cast, and the money might not be too good.

Bana: Okay, I understand. So who's attached to it already? Who are the women who'll be fighting over me?

Unknown: Hold on a second, I'll just check… yes, here we are. Natalie Portman plays Anne Boleyn, and Scarlett Johansson plays her sister Mary.

Bana: And there are love scenes with both of them?

Unknown: In the script I've got here, yes.

Bana: Tell them I'll do it for ten dollars.

LINK: Unintelligent (Graphic) Design

In this post, I referred to some shockingly poor quality photoshop work which had somehow evaded quality control, and made it into the public arena.

Many more examples, some of which are rather creepy as well, can be found at the oddly compelling Photoshop Disasters blog.

Caution: features pictures of more than one woman with an excessive number of hands. No, seriously.

Your Not-Really-That-Humble Author

I completed the Silverstone Half-Marathon on Sunday, though not in any kind of impressive time (apparently, there’s a connection between training for physical exercise, and being able to do it. Strange, that).

Anyway, since I seem to have acquired some new readers recently, I thought I’d publish this (admittedly rather low-resolution) picture of me running on Sunday, so you can put a face* to the blog, as it were.

*As Victor Lewis-Smith put it, “it must be a face - it’s got ears”.

'Names' Named, Though Not Entirely Shamed

In this post earlier this week, I made what Lucy immediately labelled a shameless attempt to bribe the judges of a competition - the aim of the competition being to script, storyboard or even shoot an advert for the new Patricia Cornwell paperback.

Well, it looks as if I wasn't shameless enough, or perhaps I should have made a better offer, as the shortlist of six finalists has been announced, and I'm not on it.

However, if you scroll down a little further on the page in question, you may well spot a familiar name. Go on, have a look, I'll wait right here… back now?

I'm rather pleased about it, to be honest - especially as I've never written an advert before in my life. Like getting a rejection letter back but with some promising or supportive remark in it, it's stuff like this that helps keep me motivated, silly as that may sound.

If you want to see my entry, called 'Names', it's here.

World Book Day 2008

As you may know, today (Thursday 6th March) is World Book Day. Granted, I'm not the main target for this promotion, but I still think it's a good thing and worthy of drawing to your attention, especially if you have children.

The main element of the scheme is that children (usually via their schools) are given a £1 Book Token - not much use, you might think, but there are nine books which have been published for the occasion, all at the bargain price of - you guessed it - a quid. So kids with the £1 tokens can get a book for free.

Why do I think this is a good idea? Well, not simply because I'd like to be a published writer of books and because I want to feel there are actually going to be people who might be interested in reading them, but because, on a more fundamental level, I think that people being able to read, and wanting to do so for pleasure, is a good thing.

I know there are various celebrities who make odd semi-boasts about never having read a book in their lives, and that the average person reads something like four novels a year (I think it's higher for women), but one of the reasons I think being able to read a book is something to be aspired to is because, as well as being a pleasant way to while away the hours, reading a novel is a good way to increase your sense of empathy or understanding of other people and their lives.

I've never been involved in a kite-flying competition which has led me to cut my hands on the string, or found myself jailed for years for no crime, but I've read books which have made me understand how it would feel if such events were to happen to me. A well-written book will make you have a sense of what it's like to be someone else, somewhere else, often in another time, and I truly believe that this is a positive and enriching experience for any of us.

Add in the fact that reading a novel might increase your attention span, thus enabling you to read texts which might advance complicated theories or cover events spanning decades, and I think you can begin to see why I think people being able to read, and wanting to do so, is a good thing.

A lot of the coverage of the Harry Potter phenomenon has mentioned how the books have increased the number of children who read for pleasure (and I sincerely hope this is the case, though I have a niggling doubt that some children might want the book on its release date more as a status thing, an 'object of desire' than for reasons of reading it), and I like to think that World Book Day plays a part in promoting reading, and the accessibility of books generally, in much the same way.

So, if you have kids who've been given a £1 token (and even if not), I hope you'll encourage them to visit a bookshop and pick up one of the specially-produced cheap World Book Day tomes. And even if you're an adult, you could do worse than to pop into a bookshop over the next couple of days and have a browse. Chances are you'll find something you like - and if you buy something at this time of year, publishers and booksellers may well see a 'sales spike' as being the direct result of the World Book Day promotion, and decide that it's worth continuing with.

Which would, I think, be a good thing for writers, publishers, booksellers and readers alike. And given how broad the four groups I've just mentioned are, I think it would be little exaggeration to say: Everybody wins.

Writing: A Bit Of What

Given the previous post , I thought I it was only right to post an update on what writing I’ve been doing since… well, since the last time I posted about what's on my writing list at present.

It’s not quite as busy as it could have been, but just last week I submitted my entry for a competition to write an advert for the new Patricia Cornwell paperback – in fact, you can view it here. The decision-making process is now underway, so if any of the judges are reading this, hello, I hope you’re well, and can I buy you a drink? Just being friendly, it’s not a bribe or anything, of course (actually, it looks as if a few people have already looked at it, and given me some votes, which is kind).

I’m also re-tooling ‘Broken Glass’, the screenplay I wrote for last year’s Red Planet Screenplay Competition. I’m of a mind to see about submitting it to this year’s British Short Screenplay Competition, though if I don't make the deadline for that I'd like to have it finished anyway, for my own satisfaction.

Throw in the novels I've started (although one of them is, I found out over the weekend, similar to a well-respected foreign film in terms of several story beats, hmm), the novel I've finished and intend to start throwing at agents again, and the radio play which I really do have to get finished and off to the BBC Writers' Room , and I like to think that's about enough to keep me busy, at least for now.

Plus, of course , the 9-5 job and the arrangements for getting married in less than six months. I wouldn't want to give the impression that I'd forgotten either of those.

And no, I didn't just add that previous sentence in case my boss or my beloved looks at this post. Honest.

Writing: A Bit Of Why

I've recently been reading Paul's Rainey's (brilliantly titled) 2000AD Prog Slog Blog, in which he works his way through 1,100 copies of the British weekly comic 2000AD (home of Judge Dredd). If you're even remotely familiar with 2000AD, I'd recommend it highly - and indeed, the rest of Paul's site is worth your time, especially The Book Of Lists, which features some very funny stuff.

One theme which I think comes through rather well in Paul's write-ups is the discovery (or, as appears to be the case, re-discovery) of how the names of certain writers pop up in the credit boxes for the stories. This rang a bell for me - from a moderately early age I recall noting the names of artists (Terry Bave, Sid Burgons and the like) and writers (Tom Tully) in the comics I read. I knew I liked certain authors of books - Enid Blyton or Nicholas Fisk, for example - but in comics it seemed that there were fewer opportunities to figure out who was writing or drawing the strips, and this was something that I was interested in (please don't take this as some kind of innate insight into the nature of publishing on my part; for some time, I believed that the copy of Krazy comic which was delivered every Saturday was actually drawn by the artists - so the above isn't any kind of brag at precocity).

As I grew older and lost interest in humour comics (and the comics I liked merged into each other, trimming down my choices), I started to read superhero comics and adventure comics such as Tiger or 2000AD (and latterly the relaunched Eagle). I don't recall offhand if there were credits in Tiger, but I noticed that certain writers in 2000AD and Eagle (John Wagner, Pat Mills, Alan Moore and Grant Morrison, to give key examples) were responsible for stories I enjoyed, and I started to look out for their names.

Attending a comic convention in (I think) 1986, the then-editor of 2000AD, Steve Macmanus, said that they were very keen to attract new writers, and probably motivated more by the idea of seeing my name in my favourite comic than any realisation that I had a deep-seated need to communicate with people, I started sending things in to 2000AD. I was using an old, smudge-prone typewriter, and at the start I was definitely formatting scripts in a rather haphazard way, and the pages were as spotted with Tipp-Ex as my teenage face was with acne, but I was writing, and enjoying it.

Now, if this was a memoir by a writer who'd made it big, this is the point where I'd talk about the rejections and the first sale and the further sales and so on, but I'm still plugging away at writing now, two decades on, with only a small degree of success. Then again, I've been ‘writing around’ college and latterly work, and not always giving it my full commitment, so perhaps I should be grateful even for that small degree.

But, reading Paul's comments on spotting recurring names in 2000AD, I recalled a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago. We'd written a number of comedy sketches for TV (and I still feel they're pretty good, even if he has now fled the UK for Spain in what appears to be a belated attack of shame), bundled them into a pretty spiffy series proposal (if nothing else, I can honestly claim that my formatting skills are much improved since the early days) and whilst they were being mulled over by a TV Production Company, we were talking about them in suitably cautious but optimistic tones.

We fell to discussing what would happen if the series was made, and did well, and so on, and m'colleague said, quite firmly (and to my mind rightly) that he didn't want to be famous. Not, we agreed, that writers tend to get famous in the same way as actors or even directors do (cf the old gag about the wannabe actress who was so stupid she tried to get a better part in a film by sleeping with the writer), and in fact we concluded that even if you could make a good living as a writer the chances were you'd be able to walk down the street without any kind of attention being paid to you at all. Which we both agreed we liked.

I said, though, and I still feel it now, that I'd like to write things that might make people look out for my name in future, seeing it as a mark of something that could be of interest to them. So basically, I want to write, and reach a level of recognition where people would see my name as a kind of shorthand for stuff they might like. There are all sorts of elements to what I'd like to write and why (novels which receive acclaim and sell by the palletload which make points which people hadn't previously been inclined to consider or discuss, screenplays which make children cheer and adults cry, comics which repay re-reading, and so on*), but what I'm talking about is the point at which I'd like to think I'd actually feel I'd 'made it'. It's less a thing of income, but more a level of recognition. And I'm painfully aware that wanting people to say "John Soanes? Didn't he write that 'Human Noises' book? I liked that one", in the same way that I do about other people's work, is tantamount to me saying that I'd like to be noted as a writer by the kind of people who note the role of a writer. Which might be the same as saying I'd like to be recognised by people like me, a rather frightening notion.

And, I suddenly realise, not necessarily a million miles away from saying "John's work was very popular amongst people who like that kind of thing". Uh oh...

*Yes, yes, I'm painfully aware that these things actually need to be written by me for this to come to pass, but I'm talking in the abstract here. At least for now.

Yes, I Will Be Sending This To Private Eye

Spotted in the London Paddington branch of WHSmith.

I like to think that the near-obliteration of the A and the subtle amending of the G into an O is entirely deliberate.

And while we're taking cheap shots, is it just my imagination, or is that one of the least convincing photo-montage jobs of all time? Sergeant Pepper's looked more like all the people were actually there, and that was in 1967 or so.

(Note to my American readers: don't be fooled by Morgan's appearance on various TV shows over there, he's not any kind of representative of the UK; for example,not many of us Limeys have been fired from our newspaper editing jobs for publishing fake photos purporting to show British servicemen urinating on Iraqi prisoners. In fact, the number of British people who are on record for doing so is very slight - just 1 in something like 60 million.)

Spaced: The Final (af-)Frontier

I've enjoyed the work of Simon Pegg for many years (yes, including his work in 'Faith In The Future'), and reading his interviews and the like, it often feels like he's very much an example of someone who loves comedy, almost like 'one of us' (by which I mean the audience) who's made good. As a result of this - perhaps wildly inaccurate - feeling, I'd like to think that Mr Pegg wouldn't forget about his colleagues, or where he's come from, or any of those other things that people who've had a hearty degree of success are legendary for doing.

Which is why I was so pleased to read this, which - if the report is accurate - suggests that one of the key reasons why he's upset about the issue is because, all other aspects aside, of the bad manners involved.

Good show, I say. Dashed good show.

LINK: Free book! Yes, Free! And Not A Rubbish One, Either!

I think I've mentioned before that I like the work of Neil Gaiman; I first came across his stuff in comics, but he's written for TV and books since then, and he was also involved in the recent films 'Stardust' and 'Beowulf'. So, I think it's obvious he's no slouch in the writing department.

And Neil's not exactly sluggish when it comes to blogging either - his journal is updated regularly, and frequently has interesting links and answers to readers' questions. Certainly worth a look, which is why it's listed in the column to the right. Ah yes.

But the reason for this post is because Neil (and I call him by his first name because, well, that's what I'd do if I was talking with him) recently asked readers of his blog to vote for one of his books to be made available online, for free.

The votes were counted, and the winner was 'American Gods' from a couple of years ago. I bought it when it came out in paperback, and thought it was a cracking read - and I'm clearly not alone in that, as it won the 2002 Hugo, Nebula and Bram Stoker awards for Best Novel.

So, if you go here in the next 28 days, you can read American Gods for free.

And, as I paid something like £6.99 for my copy of it, that's money I've saved you, so how about you buy me a cup of tea and some cake next time we meet up, eh ?

Marijuana-Hailing-Water-Boiling-Device Quote Of The Week*

"There's a difference between having surgery and having over-the-top surgery."

- Katie 'Jordan' Price, who had her breasts increased from 32B to 32G, and then reduced to 32F, criticising another woman for having breast implant surgery (quoted in 'Star' magazine, coverdated 3 March 2008)

*Which is to say, pot calling kettle.

You May Need To Enlarge This To Appreciate It... As The Microbiologist Said To The Lab Technician

Spotted in London last week, a sharp reminder of the need to always read the small print at the bottom.

In what way are the sweets like a jacuzzi, I wonder?

LINK: You're Not The One And Only, As Chesney Hawkes Didn't Sing

Got a blog? Got words to spare or a true story to tell? Then you may be able to assist with a charity project which is currently seeking submissions.

You might remember that around this time last year, Mike collected material from UK bloggers in just one week to create Shaggy Blog Stories, a fundraising book for Comic Relief.

Well, that book (which is a terrific read, and still available via the link) raised over £2000 for charity (yay Mike!), and now a new project aims to do just as well (in fact, better - and why not aim high, say I?), and you can help.

Bon Viveuse and blogger Sarah J Peach, along with some of her pals, is compiling "You're Not The Only One", a book of blog-writing in aid of War Child. As you may know, War Child is an international charity dedicated to helping children affected by war, and also furthering the cause of peace. So, y'know, not exactly shabby aims there.

To get involved, SJP is asking bloggers (from anywhere in the world) to supply a bit of writing on something that's happened to them - sad, funny, inspiring, rueful, or whatever, it's not important as long as it's true, and something which other folks can either relate to or take some comfort in - hence the title.

More info is available HERE, and the closing date is Sunday 9 March, so you've still got time to send something in.

I'll see if I can put a link in the column to the right of this page, and of course as soon as the book is available to buy I will pimp it shamelessly. In fact, I've already donned a pink floppy hat and stackheel shoes, in anticipation (and if that image isn't enough to send you fearfully scurrying to the link given above, I don't know what will be)...

(Quite Literally) Talking Bollocks

Well, it's been a couple of days since I've posted anything, and it recently occurred to me it's been quite a while since I posted anything personal, so I thought I'd share something from my past. This is a supportive environment, right?

The following is entirely true, but - as is so often the case with my life - a mix of stupidity and more serious matters. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say it was a blend of comedy and tragedy, that's for you to decide.

Anyway.

It’s fairly rare for me to have a bath. Don't worry, I'm not grubby (I shower at least once a day), but as I'm over six feet tall, it's often difficult to find a bath which allows me to fully lie down - by which I mean I usually have to decide whether it'll be knees or shoulders and upwards out of the water. Neither of which is ideal. But, one Thursday evening about ten years ago, I was sharing a flat with a friend in Hackney Wick, East London, and as she was out, I thought I'd have a nice hot bath to see if it was as relaxing as all the adverts seem so keen to suggest.

It wasn't very relaxing, as it turned out - though that was less to do with the temperature or the bubble bath I used, and more to do with the fact that, as I was washing in the general groinal area, I felt something which I'd never felt before. No, I don't mean a sense of shame or self-loathing, I'm all too used to that, but my hand passed over something in the scrotal regional which felt out of place. The bath was warm, but my stomach suddenly felt cold - one of those sudden chilling clenches in the gut, like when you realise you left your keys in the house.

I checked again, and there was no doubt about it - on the side of one of my testicles, towards the back, was something that felt oddly hard (don't make the obvious comment, this is the serious part of the story, okay?), like a small pea. It didn't feel right, and I'd never felt it before. Shaken, I hurriedly got out of the bath and dried off, and said nothing about it to my flatmate (or anyone else, for that matter). It felt too big and scary to discuss, and somehow as if it would become more real if the words were said aloud. I slept, but not well.

The next day, Friday, I booked a session to see my doctor. The appointment was for Monday morning before work, which unfortunately left me a solid weekend in which to dwell on it. We lived opposite Victoria Park, and looking out of my window as I mulled the possibility of something being seriously wrong, I remembered how Dennis Potter, when he was aware that he was dying of cancer, said that the blossom on the tree outside his window was "the whitest, frothiest, blossomiest blossom" ever. It being late winter, the trees I was looking at remained steadfastly bare-armed, but I could see what he meant. It felt like one of those “if I turn out to be okay, I'll do all those things I keep putting off” moments. Well, more a series of moments, really; a whole weekend of them.

Monday morning arrived, and I went to see the doctor. He worked in the Wick Health Centre - named after the area, of course, but somehow it seemed only fitting. I entered his office, and explained, and he nodded and asked me to drop my trousers. Reasonable enough, given the issue on my mind, but it had been a bit of a 'dry spell' that year (future biographers will probably suggest it was an extension of the same 'dry spell' I'd experienced in the years since birth, but that's a discussion for another time), and as a straight chap I was slightly disappointed that the first hands in years that were willing to touch my gonads were the hands of a middle-aged man. Still, testicle-lump-worriers can't be choosers and all that, so I stood by his examination bench, my trousers and underwear spooled around my ankles, and he examined my genitals.

You may have read in scary books about how a man's scrotum retracts when he's afraid, and it's true that happens - and it certainly occurred that morning, as I was scared he might say that, yes, there is a lump, and it's probably cancerous, so everything was pretty shrunken down there. Then again, it was a winter morning as well, and as I wasn't actually looking to impress the doc with my package, but just to get a diagnosis, I put that out of my mind as he checked where I explained I'd found the lump.

"Well," he said eventually, "I can't find anything wrong."

"No?" I asked, as I pulled up my trousers. "Nothing ?"

"No, nothing abnormal at all."

"Oh, good," I said, but that was an understatement. I felt as if the sun had broken through the clouds, and I was being given the chance to get on with my life.

"I'll put a note on your records, but I don't think there's anything to worry about," he said, and as good as his word, he added the day's date and a brief description of the session to my medical record card; nothing abnormal detected - or, to quote the all-too appropriate acronym he used, NAD.

I picked up a leaflet on self-examination from the waiting room as I left, and made my way off to work. As I waited for the bus, I read the leaflet, which stressed the importance of chaps checking themselves regularly, which is only sensible; part of the instructions, though, urged men not to get worried and think they had a lump when they had in fact isolated the epididimus (basically, the point where the tubes join the back of the balls). As I read further, I realised that was exactly what I'd done, and was annoyed with myself - for want of a bit of basic biological knowledge, I'd convinced myself that this was definitely it: I was going to die soon, and that I'd never get to climb mountains or woo fair maidens or write novels or anything.

Mind you, I seem to have a fundamental problem with remembering that my testicles are actually attached to my body by tubes; some years earlier, bored and inspired by watching someone on TV skilfully rotating those shiny steel 'stress balls', I'd tried to do the same with my own balls. I haven't attempted such a thing since, mind - I learnt a swift and painful lesson that day on the non-swappable nature of my nads.

Though, given the above tale, it was and is painfully obvious to me now that, in the matter of the human body, it is as the Buddhists say: everything is connected.

LINK: Run, That Boy, Run

As regular readers of the blog will know, last year I ran in the London Marathon. In my write-up for it here, I mentioned that one of the smiley aspects of the day was my friend Chris not only coming to cheer me on, but indeed running alongside me for a bit, which was welcome company.

I don't know if the running bug was transmitted by my sweating onto him or something, but Chris says that he was rather taken with the whole thing, especially the cheerful atmosphere of the crowds lining the route, to the extent he's managed to snare himself a place in this year's London Marathon (taking place on 13th April).

As one would only expect from a friend of mine, Chris has decided to do the Marathon to raise funds for a good cause - in this case, the mental health charity Mind - and as I know that readers of this blog are both smart AND generous, I'd like to ask you to sponsor Chris. You can do this by visiting his online sponsor page, which is here. The site, by the way, is totally secure, and if you're a UK taxpayer the magic of Gift Aid will increase your donation by 28%, so you can look even more generous and impressive.

Please do take a minute to sponsor him - he's a jolly good egg, running for a darned good cause, and I think he deserves as much support as possible. And if you're one of the lucky people who's invited to my wedding later this year, you've got a conversation-opening line if you meet Chris: "Hey, didn't you do the Marathon? Well done - I sponsored you!"

I'll try to put a more lasting link in the column to the right of the screen, and I'll probably remind you repeatedly as we get closer to the Marathon itself, but if you sponsor him today, you can regard all my future reminders with a smug sense of being one step ahead of the game.

As ever, I thank you - and I'm sure Chris does too (or at least he would, if he had any breath left in his lungs after all the training).

LINK: Google The Names If You Need To, But Trust Me, Them's All Smart Folks

A few years ago, I had the very good fortune to be a member of the audience when Alan Moore interviewed Brian Eno for Radio 4. It was interesting and funny, and one thing I came away with was a sense of the sheer brainpower involved. If only there were more instances of that, I thought…

And lo and behold, whilst searching on the interweb for the first podcast by Stephen Fry, I found a podcast of frankly epic minds in conjunction, discussing a topic which is deserving of their time.

It's almost two years old, I know, but here is a podcast of Stephen Fry and Christopher Hitchens discussing the issue of blasphemy.

Even if you don't agree with or like what they're saying - and I suspect those of you of a religious nature might take offence at some points - I think you have to accept that these are well-honed minds, expressing opinions which have been well thought out.

Which, unfortunately, is pretty much the polar opposite of the book-, cartoon- and effigy-burning which, if the media are to be believed, are the sole means by which people express their thoughts about religious matters in recent times.

Just A Stone's Bow Away From Identical, If You Ask Me

No wonder the recently-striking members of the Writers' Guild of America feel they generally got a good deal and ended the strike.

Jon Bowman, a member of the WGA negotiating committee, bears a striking resemblance to Oliver Stone, a writer and director who's not exactly known for holding back when it somes to voicing his opinion.

I wouldn't argue with either of them, they both look like they mean business...

Unintelligent Design: Clink The Link If Ye Dare

If ever an item defined 'unintelligent design', this little beauty would be it.

Buy one today for someone you hate.

And I Have Thoughts Like This Going Round My Head Every Waking Second Of The Day. It's Not Right, Surely?

So, first there was the film First Blood, the title of which makes sense.

Then the follow-up was called Rambo :First Blood Part II. So, a sequel number with a subtitle-type-thing. Okay.

But the third film was called Rambo III, which suggests Rambo I and II had preceded it, right? They hadn't, though - unless First Blood Part II was actually called Rambo... but if that was the case, why is the new film in the series just called Rambo? Surely it should be Rambo IV (if it follows Rambo III in the series, which it seems to chronologically), or even Rambo II, to plug the missing gap between Rambo (First Blood Part II) and Rambo III, if it were a 'prequel'... but I don't think it is.

Oh, my head hurts from thinking about it all. We know Sylvester can count - he had no trouble using roman numerals on the Rocky films, did he? Then again, he did call the last one by the character's full name, so maybe I should just stop dwelling on this pedantry.

I have to say, you never have this problem with the work of his french relative Arthur Rambo*.

*This terrible pun first used in my earshot by my father, who used to say that you could tell a person's intellect by asking 'what do you think of the work of [phonetic] Ramm-boe?' I've since seen it in other places, including Grant Morrison and Paul Grist's comic St Swithin's Day.

It Was Five Years Ago Today

On 15 February 2003, an estimated two million people marched to protest against War in Iraq, and this column on the Guardian website says, I think, pretty much all that can be said about it. A very strong bit of writing, I think, and his point about the divide between government and the people is one which I'd cheerfully agree with; I've posted before about how I disagree that 'apathy' is why voting turnout is on the decline, and I think the way the protests were discounted in the rush to declare war is an example of why it's more the fault of the parties, in and out of power, failing to actually listen to the public that makes people feel disenfranchised.

(Mind you, I'm not pretending that publishing this terrific column in any way means the Guardian is a good newspaper, given that within a day of publishing it they also published this, which appears to have been written by the son of someone who's worked for the Guardian before. And which was rapidly given a good kicking by people posting comments, leading to the thread being locked by moderators. And then this response, which contains an amusingly provocative distinction in its final paragraph. So no, I won't be buying the Guardian any time soon - ich bin nicht ein Berliner Leser and all that.)

St Valentine's Day (Virtual) Postbag

Well, despite the fact I'm getting married this year and am thus happily unavailable for propositioning, strangers are still sending me e-mails of a sexual nature. Here are some of the subject lines from e-mails that I've (genuinely) received today.

-Penis Enlargement Facts
-Sharon had never come before when we made love, but since I've become thicker and longer, she comes every night.
-Incredibly fast, unbelievable gains to your sch1ong in just weeks.
-Increase the length and power of the rod in your pants today.
-Do you want enlargge your p]enis? gcfdl
-Don't be ashamed of having a small member, you can add inches today, easily.
-Scarlet Johansson loves Men with huge equipment - do you measure up?
-Tired of losing your erect1on halfway, or having a small weener? Change it today.
-Hot Rods get the chicks
-Make your girlfriend appreciate you more this Valentine's Day
-Give the girls MAXIMUM satisfaction
-Studies have shown that 87% of girls aged 18-26 wish their men had larger pen15e5.
-Be the Stallion you've always wanted to be
-Give your girlfriend MORE this Valentine's Day

One running theme does suggest that they might adore me as a person, but feel I'm lacking in some way… but still, it's always nice to get post on Valentine's Day, isn't it?

Happy St Valentine's / Commercially-Motivated Greetings Card Sales* Day to you all.


*Delete according to your personal degree of scepticism.

Torn From Yesterday's Headlines

It's often disappointing to realise that a lot of the things you learn at school bear little relation to the real world; just yesterday, I realised that all the hours spent dealing with subjects, objects, predicates and the like in sentence construction simply don't apply.

According to the Daily Star, it's perfectly acceptable to construct a headline by putting five nouns in a row.

(I also love the way they've referred to Lewis Hamilton by his forename, as if that makes it immediately apparent who they're talking about. I like to think the staff of the Star did this after a discussion in which they concluded that if they put his surname, the whole nation would have been wondering if they were referring to David, or even Emma Hamilton.)

Yes, This Does Mean I'll Remove The 'I Support The WGA' Badge From My Profile*

The US Writers' Strike is over.

Members of the Writers' Guild of America (WGA) voted last night in favour of ending the current strike (92% support for this), so in theory the writers are back at work as of today. I'd imagine it may take a bit longer than that in reality, but it's good news for the writers (who can now get back to work), and also for the casts and crews of suspended shows and films. And of course for the studios, who - even under the new agreement - will still make a nice tidy profit from the work done by the people I've just mentioned.

The WGA members still have to vote to ratify the new agreement, but as it gives them residual rights for internet sales and broadcast (using the figure of 'distributor's gross'), something which the studios were initially extremely opposed to, I'm rather inclined to wonder if the WGA Negotiating Committee were the greatest and most forceful negotiators since Genghis Khan, or if the studios were rather exaggerating when they said there was no money in new media, and so they had none to offer. As is so often the case, I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

Still, as one who'd like to make his living arranging words in order on pages and screens, it's heartening to see writers get increased financial rewards for their work, and as one who grew up in the UK in the 1980s when strikes were pretty much demonised as the preserve of Socialist agitators, it's been educational to see the way that the WGA have conducted the strike itself and also their campaign to raise awareness of it; whilst a lot of the press and TV is inevitably tied in with the studios who the WGA was disagreeing with, I think they did a terrific job of using the internet (ironically, given that new media was arguably the issue at the heart of the strike) to get the word out, and to involve not only WGA members, but also viewers of TV and film in supporting the WGA cause.

As David Bishop notes, future generations of writers will probably be grateful to the current WGA members. Though of course in the far-flung future, where you experience a film or story by drinking a neuro-narrative-peptide cocktail and sit and enjoy its plot twists whilst your hovercar auto-pilots itself to your gleaming silver spire of a home, the idea of striking may seem as antiquated as valve-based radiograms do now.

*Though I'm so impressed by their efforts, I think I may well join the WG-GB.

Corrective Vandalism

Delighted to spot this in the Dome on Saturday (no, I shan't call it after the phone company who bought it for a tenner, as I, like many other people, paid for the thing to be built, so I'll call it what I blimmin well like).

I like to think the 'vandalism' was by a member of the public, though if it was a later correction by a member of staff, that's not so bad either. Grammar for the people, and used by the people, and all that.

Could The End Be In Strike?

Well, the Writers' Guild of America has come away from negotiations with the studios, and has come to a tentative agreement - you can read a summary of the terms here.

There's a fair amount of speculation that WGA writers could be back to work in the next week or so, but that's rather dependent on whether the writers vote in favour not only of the terms of the agreement, but whether they vote to stop strike action while that's being thrashed out - I get the impression that this is one of the conditions of the proposed agreement. This initial vote is taking place, as I understand it, between now and the close of Tuesday.

I haven't fully scrutinised all the details of the proposed agreement, but people in the know like the ever-readable John August think it could be a lot worse - and as it makes provision for payments for downloaded material, something which the studios had initially said wasn't feasible, I'm inclined to think the WGA Negotiating Committee has done better than many might have expected them to. Especially given that the studios were initially saying a flat 'uh-uh' to that particular notion (but no, I'm not overlooking the 'unpaid online airing window' element of it, which I gather is quite a sticking point).

I've been asked why I give a monkey's about any of this, given that I'm a UK-based scribbler. Fair question, but the answer's pretty simple: I like TV and films and books and plays and all my media to be well written, and when they are well done, I like to think that the writers behind the work (and in TV and film, let's never forget that they are the very foundation of it; no script, no need to even feed the film into the camera) are being well paid. It's partly because I'd like to be a full-time (and for my own convenience, well-paid) writer, but it's mainly because… well, am I going to have to quote Pastor Niemoller about this? Writers are, after all, human beings, and I'd rather they weren't exploited, any more than, say, children in trainer factories. Apologies if that sounds a bit naïve, but there it is.

LINK: Found In Translation

I read comics, but I don't know much at all about Japanese comics, or Manga, as I gather they're more properly known.

One thing I do know, though, is that there's a strand of Manga called 'Yaoi', which focus on gay relationships, and which are apparently rather popular with teenage girls.

And this smidgin of background, I hope, explains why I find the title of this Yaoi book so delightful.

(Look at the cover, or the 'Book Description' if the reason why isn't immediately apparent.)

Digital Manga Publishing, I doff my figurative hat to you. You silly people.

LINK: News That Made Me Smile

I really hope this turns out to be true.

It would tie in beautifully with a gag at the end of the third series, after all.

Verily, my digits are interlaced (which explains my typing speed).

Laygennelmen, We Have A Winner!

Towards the latter end of 2007, you may remember me posting that I'd entered the Red Planet competition, a screenwriting competition that was pretty alluring on account of its broad brief (10 pages of a screenplay, any theme or genre) and its appealing prize (£5000 cash, representation and a commission - basically, everything a growing screenwriter needs).

As a shameless self-publicist egomaniac, you can be sure I would have said if I'd won, and as I haven't (said I've won, that is), you can cheerfully surmise that I didn't (win, that is). But last Friday the winner was announced, so it's a definite shout of 'Oh, Well Done!' and raise of the glass (or, in my case, mug of tea) to Joanna Leigh, whose screenplay about Samuel Johnson sounds pretty darned interesting. Bravo, Joanna!

Tony Jordan and his colleagues at Red Planet have promised another competition for 2008, so it might be wisest to dust off the screenwriting-thinking-cap sooner rather than later…

Sign "O" The Times, Alarmingly

This sign has recently appeared in the Gents at the place where I work.

Given that I'm amongst the youngest there, it's a bit alarming that they feel that we need a refresher course in how to wash your hands, surely?

No Need For Names, This Is More About The What Than The Whom...

How did you spend your Saturday afternoon? Hmm? I spent mine doing something which might well be perceived as rather odd.

As one of my favourite writers was doing a signing in London, I joined the queue (outside in the cold - well, fairly cold), and waited there for the best part of three hours, listening to podcasts on my music player (if you're curious, they were Adam and Joe's BBC6 show, the Word magazine podcast , and Russell Brand's Radio 2 show ), and shuffling forward pretty slowly.

The queue snaked round the outside of the shop, and as if I was at a theme park queuing for a ride, I was never quite sure how close I was to the front of the queue, or if indeed there might be more stairs or corridor waiting round the next corner. But I was in the queue, and I was there for a reason, so I turned up my collar and tried to ignore the cold.

Eventually, the time came, and I was at the front of the queue (and in the warm by then). The immensely talented writer said hello, and I said hello back, and then said that I didn't want anything signed, but had something for him. He looked vaguely bemused, but as I handed over the gift to him and he realised what it was, he smiled. I said a few words about what it was, and why I thought he'd like it, and he nodded in agreement and looked at it, and we chatted briefly, and I said it was just by way of a thank you for the enjoyment I'd had from his work over the years. He thanked me, and said that it was a very thoughtful thing to do.

I extended my hand (now back to normal temperature, thankfully) and he shook it, and he grinned broadly (and I rather suspect I did the same) and said bye.

It might seem rather unusual to attend a signing and queue for a long time but not get anything signed, but I have to say that the grin on his face, and the way he seemed genuinely surprised that someone should give him something (rather than wanting from him, which I guess is the usual way at signings or personal appearances), made it completely and utterly worthwhile.

And if nothing else, it's good karma; should I ever find myself in a position where people queue to have me sign something I've written, maybe someone will bring along a cup of tea or some choccy biccies for me.
Or - even better - both.

"Oh, It's Easy To Mock," They Say. To Which I Reply "All Right Then, Make It Harder To Mock."

Let's face it, this is just perfect.

You'd think someone might have forseen that the chosen turn of phrase might lead to scorn, really, but then again...

Any Colour You Strike*

You're probably wondering what's been going on in the world of the Writers' Guild of America strike. Well, as well as the Screen Actors' Guild awards going ahead without a WGA picket line (not really surprising, as SAG members have been impressively supportive of the WGA), the following highlights are worthy of note...

- The WGA made more deals (links: one, two ) directly with filmmakers.

- The informal talks between the WGA and the studios are continuing, and though there's a news blackout so as not to prejudice anything, there are rumours suggesting the talks are proving productive. We'll see...

And if you're after an eloquent view on the strike from someone directly affected by it, the writer-director of Field of Dreams and Sneakers, Phil Alden Robinson, had this to say.

*Apologies to the mid-70s line-up of Pink Floyd.

"The Importance Of", If We're Being Honest

Over at The Writing Factory, m'colleague has recently given the TV programme 'Newsnight Review' a damn good kicking, and whilst my own opinion on it is slightly less agitated (probably because it often features book reviews, and there are precious few places on TV one can find those), I think he touches on a very valid point (well, he's been blogging for some years now; like the infinite monkeys at infinite typewriters trying to write Shakespeare, statistically it was inevitable at some point).

He refers to the fact that reviewers on such shows - and indeed in the book review sections of the used-to-be-broadsheet newspapers - often say "this is a tremendously important book" or words to that effect. Now, I think I know what they mean by this sort of thing - I've just this week finished reading a book* which satirises alarming aspects of modern life (such as the post-Diana hysteria, religious intolerance, politicians exploiting the mob mentality, and the general rise of superstition), and whilst there were several times when I actively thought 'ooh, very astute' when the author made a point which I thought was worth of proper rational debate in society at large, I can't really see that happening. I rather suspect that the important points made in the book will be largely ignored or undiscussed (and not just because people won't read the book in question; rational debate of too many issues seems to be sidelined in favour of high-volume or high-emotion one-sentence opinions nowadays, unfortunately). As the comedian Mark Thomas once said, if you make an argument on certain subjects, people seem almost chronically incapable of listening properly to what you're saying: "If you say the words "legalise Cannabis" half the people don't hear the words. They hear 'Make heroin compulsory for 6 year olds'."

Leaving aside this kind of 'signal to noise' problem in debate generally, I genuinely believe a lot of books which critics and professional reviewers proclaim as being 'important' have very little importance to the reading population at large. I don't think I'd be saying anything too new if I was to suggest that as far as most people in the UK are concerned, the most important book of 2007 was the final Harry Potter novel. It sold well to a large group of people, many of whom were emotionally invested in the outcome of the series. And yet I suspect that many reviews stated that new books by, say, Martin Amis and Cormac McCarthy were important and vital books (not knocking Amis there - I quite like his stuff; McCarthy, however, leaves me cold and scratching my head in bewilderment at the fuss, like the book equivalent of the Arctic Monkeys).

And of course there's a huge difference between important and popular - I can't imagine that Cancer Ward or Invisible Man (the Ralph Ellison as opposed to the Wells version) were necessarily huge-sellers, but I think it's fair to say that they're important in social and political terms, though that might be more with the benefit of hindsight. Appropriately enough, Germaine Greer's frequently on these review programmes, and there's little doubt that The Female Eunuch was (and remains) an important book.

It's hardly a new insight that there's a disparity between what book critics and reviewers say and/or believe, and the opinions of the broad reading public, but I think there's a distinction to be made between books which deal with important issues (such as those mentioned above) and books which are important to a lot of people, and those which critics feel are important - the latter, I'd argue, is more a kind of verbal shorthand for 'a book which I feel deals with issues which should be more widely discussed'.

Yes, it is important that there are reasoned and detailed debates on all manner of subjects, but I think that for most people these 'important books' are often anything but. Which may be a pity, but more than anything else, I feel it demonstrates the gulf in understanding between professional critics and people who read books for entertainment, illumination, or even both.

Incidentally, I'm not dismissing the idea of books being important to people, not in the slightest; books have been very important to me for pretty much as long as I can remember, and have often served to make me think again on issues I felt I'd reached an opinion on, or to add to my depth of knowledge on subjects. I'd start listing them, but that's not what this post is about - though I'll wager you could think of at least one book which was or is important to you, couldn't you? Feel free to post a comment sharing which book, and why...

*I'll post the review in the next week or so.

Unintelligent Design : TV Watch

Yes, I appreciate that Dick Tracy used to have a wrist-radio-TV thing that enabled him to say "I'm on my way", and I know that it looks like the sort of thing that we should have this side of the year 2000, but logic dictates that the screen is only ever - at best - going to be as big as your wrist.

The model shown above, which is available from Firebox, boasts a screen which measures a full 1.5". Wow-ee. Now you too can see Citizen Kane reduced to the size of a matchbox. Will the wonders of modern science never cease?

As I noted in this post, trying to combine functions with a watch invariably results in something that's too chunky to be a watch, but too small to work as a TV or calculator or whatever. And this seems to be one of those.

Granted, it might be bearable for watching Youtube videos or other short works of cinematic greatness like The Star Wars Kid , but watching a whole film on something so small? Only if you don't mind risking eyestrain at the very least.

As ever, you may disagree wildly, and think that I'm talking pish. You're absolutely entitled to that opinion, but do bear in mind that on this issue, David Lynch has made it clear that he and I are in complete agreement, though he uses stronger language to make his point.

Don't Be Fooled By The Free CDs and DVDs, They Don't Care If You Live Or Die

As someone with a brain in my skull and more than a grain of love for humanity in my soul, I of course think that the Daily Mail is a morally repugnant, house-price-fixated, crypto-xenophobic waste of ink and trees. And if that sounds like an overreaction, do bear in mind it's a matter of public record that they supported Oswald Mosely and his fascist group the Blackshirts in the run-up to World War II.

So, given this depth of feeling, I can only be delighted that someone's gone to the trouble of creating the Daily Mail Headlineinator.

Simply add in a picture of something that the Mail might consider a threat to white middle-class suburban living (so, that would be anything at all), and the Headlineinator will condemn it for you. Immediately. Without regard for whether it's actually to blame for anything at all. Just like the Daily Mail. As demonstrated above.

(Many thanks to Graeme for his permission to publish this link. He's a gentleman, a scholar, and an acrobat.)

P.P.S. - We Changed The Narrative Through-Line When You Weren't Looking

I know that they usually change the plot a lot when they make a book into a film, and I know that Hilary Swank has played a woman masquerading as a man before (just as Cate Blachett recently played Bob Dylan), but... well, really.

Surprisingly, I Rather Like It When Things Don't Run According To Cynical Expectations

It's easy (and often a lot of fun) to mock British stars when they decide they want to go to Hollywood and seek a big-screen career, or otherwise 'break America'.

For every Beatles or Hugh Grant, there are thousands of Jordans or Chris Quentins or Robbie Williamses, failing to get anything even remotely like the level of fame in their homeland, and often coming home slightly bruised and battered by the experience.

It looks, however, as if Sean Maguire, formerly a cast member of Grange Hill and EastEnders, has -and I believe this is the correct term within the film industry - 'done a Guy Pearce'.

I saw a few episodes of his US sitcom Off Centre late at night a few years ago, and I thought he was pretty good in it, and he's clearly kept working at the whole acting thing, so good for him.

(This uncharacteristic lack of cynicism on my part is in no way related to the fact that my brother, in his teen years, used to look a lot like Mr Maguire. Honest.)

Even The Evening Standard Classifieds Would Be More Dignified Than This, Surely?

Looks as if a sexually frustrated tube worker has craftily inserted a subliminal message into a sign at Mile End tube station, asking for physical affection.

Not exactly John Donne, though, is it?

One Of The Perils Of Documents (Or Tomes) Written By Committee

Granted, I'm just guessing here, but I'm pretty sure that Bruce Bould, the actor probably best known for playing David Harris-Jones in the excellent TV series 'The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin' didn't actually have the upbringing described here.

(Apologies if the link's been removed or corrected by the time you click it - if it no longer refers to a certain set of mountains, then you can probably assume reason and fact have prevailed. Ah well.)

I Know This Much Is Trew

Spotted on Epping High Street earlier this week.

I think know what your first thought was on seeing this picture...
"£89.95? What a bargain! Those'll be perfect for the Bay City Rollers convention at the Birmingham NEC next month!"

Either that, or, like me, you had one of those moments where you get a bit of vomit in your mouth.

LINK: Blair Faced Fry

If you click here, and then scroll down to the section dated 9 February 2007, there's a free download (mp3 format) of an interview with then-Prime Minister Tony Blair, conducted (perhaps surprisingly) by writer, comedian, director and actor Stephen Fry.

I think it's an interesting interview, covering subjects you might not necessarily expect, and showing that, contrary to expectations, there's a genuinely sharp mind at work, one which does the country proud, and an impressive degree of articulacy. Oh, and there's also Tony Blair saying some things.

Striking A Blow For Progress

It's been announced that the Writers' Guild of America and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers are having informal talks on the current US writers' strike.

This, of course, comes several weeks after the AMPTP walked out of negotiatoins, and a handful of days after the AMPTP reached an agreement with the Directors' Guild of America which contained some provisions not unlike those sought by the WGA. Interesting...

There's a news blackout on the progress of the informal talks, as I understand it.

Be vewy, vewy quiet... we're hunting wesiduals...

I Put A (Can't) Spell On You : Part Two Of Two

Oh, Central Line tube card advert, why must you taunt me so? Your message aims to breeze through my eyes as a blast of air freshener would pass through my nostrils, but instead it chokes me as if it were the stench of a commuter's sweaty armpit. I know you were told at school that missing out apostrophes was a bad thing, but that was an admonition about omission, not an order to sprinkle them without regard for their appropriateness. Tut tut!

I Put A (Can't) Spell On You : Part One Of Two

Oh, Sainsbury's section header, why must you taunt me so? My vision passes across your message, and stutters and starts as if I were trying to negotiate a revolving door wearing a pair of skis. I know you were told at school that E was a bad thing, but that was an admonition about pharmaceuticals, not the fifth letter of the alphabet. Tut tut!

You're Fired! (Work Your Notice)

Sometimes in life, you find yourself in agreement with people who you really wouldn't expect to have any common ground with. For me, the latest example of this was when I read an interview with Donald Trump , wherein he said the following:

"...I just hate what's happened to this country. We've gone to a country that's no longer respected. We're in a war that we should have never -- and by the way, I'm worse than any hawk there is in terms of military and in terms of defending ourselves. But Saddam Hussein didn't knock down the World Trade Center. He had nothing to do with it. And there were no weapons of mass destruction. There was nothing."

And then he goes on to refer to Bush as a "total disaster".

Isn't there an adage about 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend'? Well, it looks like I should now consider Donald Trump as a friend. Just hope he doesn't get jealous of my naturally flowing locks.

Anyway, the good news for my new pal Donald, and the rest of the world, is that in one year's time, George W Bush will be out of the White House. One year today, folks - let's face it, whether Hillary or Obama or Guiliani or Lex Luthor succeeds him, it's going to be an improvement.

Gentlemen! Looking To Hire A Suit? This Might Help You Decide Which Firm To Give Money To...

Hire a suit from Moss Bros, and you too can peer down a lady's top.

Moss Bros.
Making lechers better-dressed since 1851.

(Spotted in the London Victoria branch, and photographed covertly - which is why I didn't spot the patch of glare until later. Ah well, c'est lavvy.)

Strike Hard! Strike Fast!

Well, it's been a pretty busy week in relation to the Writers' Guild of America (WGA) strike. Here, then, is a brief summary for you.

The WGA made agreements with a further two companies - MRC, a new media company, and Spyglass Entertainment, makers of films such as The Sixth Sense.

Meanwhile, the studios, represented by the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP), who walked away from negotiations with the WGA in December, entered into negotiations with the Directors' Guild of America (DGA), whose contract is also up for renewal. The DGA, unlike the WGA, doesn't have a history of striking; they did strike in 1987, but it was for five minutes (on the West Coast of the USA, and three hours and five minutes on the East Coast), and a swift end to negotiations was anticipated.

While all this was going on, Apple announced that they'd struck a deal with all the major studios to allow material to be downloaded for a fee to their iPod and iPhone products. One of the causes of the current WGA strike has been the AMPTP's refusal to agree on residual payments for downloads, on the grounds that this sort of new media is uncertain as a source of income. As this article from Business Week points out, the Apple agreement may nudge things along in relation to the WGA strike, as all the studios signing up to the Apple arrangement may effectively push the issue. I have to say I find it hard to see how the studios can convincingly argue they're not sure there's any money in the internet when they've signed up to make money with Apple…

Anyway, yesterday the DGA and AMPTP announced they'd struck a deal , which includes payments for internet and other new media use of material, which of course was a sticking point for the WGA discussions, so that's an interesting change in stance for the AMPTP… and indeed, a quick look at the AMPTP's homepage seems to contain a veiled suggestion that the AMPTP might be willing to re-enter negotiations with the WGA.

Interesting times, I feel...

Yes, Yes, It's Schadenfreude. Nonetheless...

Will this make him think twice about spouting off on subjects which don't in some way involve internal combustion engines?

Probably not, but it certainly made me laugh.

Writers' Guild of America Strike - Breaking News (But Not News About Strike-Breaking)

There's a really good 'beginner's guide' to the WGA strike here - it does a terrific job of explaining the reason why residual payments are very different from the oft-cited comparison with a plumber being paid every time the toilet is flushed…

And it's been announced that The Weinstein Company has reached a deal with the WGA, making them the third production company to do so in recent weeks. If memory serves, these are the folks behind Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's recent work (amongst others), so they're a company with some clout.

Twins, Twice

I fully expect the first link to go dodgy within 10 days or so, but I couldn't resist putting this in...

From the current issue of Private Eye

This blog, Monday 5 November 2007

(Yes, I know, great minds and all that, but it's good to have the question I posed in my post answered; clearly, it isn't just me.)

Can't Get Enough Of Your John, Baby?

Well, if you need more of my words than this blog provides, there are a couple of new places online where you can go…

Given my background, you might be surprised to know that I've contributed to this site, which is ostensibly of a medical nature. However, I have indeed been involved in it - and those of you who watch a certain Channel 4 sitcom (recently commissioned for a third series, no less) might recognise the site, as it was featured onscreen in an episode.

Considerably less involved on the creative side, but a name-check nonetheless, is at Jess Nevin's annotations site for the latest volume of 'The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen' by Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill. For legal reasons, The Black Dossier isn't available outside of the USA, so you understand that my contributions to Jess's annotations are, of course, complete and utter guesswork. Ahem.

Learn To Count Or Di Tri-in*

The Wu-Tang clan have a new album out (pictured).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to have a go at it - indeed, I'm quite an admirer of some of the members (Method Man's duet with Texas at the 1998 Brit Awards was terrific), but...

... well, if you're going to call your album '8 Diagrams', is it not a bit daft to have the penultimate letter of that title (and indeed the Wu-Tang logo in the background) surrounded by the eight Trigrams of the I Ching?

I'm just, y'know, saying...

*A post about Wu-Tang Clan with a 50 Cent reference in the title, then. Truly, I am down with the kids. Maybe.

On The Death Of Sir Edmund Hillary

Sir Edmund Hillary died yesterday, as you've probably seen by now.

Hillary (left of picture) was, of course, one of the first people to summit Mount Everst, the tallest mountain on the planet. He and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay (also pictured) were the first recorded climbers to reach the top, in 1953.

But for Hillary, it wasn't just a case of climbing it and leaving Nepal; he maintained close links with the country, and specifically the Sherpa people, until his death. I've been to the Nepal Himalaya twice now (and fully intend to return), and on both occasions, I've been in small mountain villages where I've been informed that a certain building - often a school or medical centre or meeting hall - was funded and supported by Hillary or one of the charities he was involved in, and often he'd visited them to officiate at their opening. Given the poverty in which many of the Sherpa people live, this work would be an impressive enough legacy for Hillary to be remembered by, but add in climbing Everest, and I find myself genuinely sorry to hear of his death.

Climbing of Everest is, for many wealthy people, something of a task to 'tick off' in their lives, and Hillary was rightly critical of this conveyor-belt mentality, as it led guides to try to take people up the mountain in inappropriate weather conditions, and also for climbers to leave stragglers to die. I completely agree with him that climbing Everest shouldn't be seen as 'conquering it' - I've stood at Base Camp, and you get the feeling that if you think you're going to conquer anything, you should probably turn round and go home, and perhaps try to conquer your own sense of hubris.

As I grow older, I find myself increasing impressed by people like Hillary, who almost seem to represent a vanishing breed; they seem determined to see the world in true explorer style (Hillary also went to the North and South Poles), and to have what I can only class as 'adventures' - it's a lifestyle which seems a world away from so many of our lives, and even if we can never hope to emulate it even to a minor degree, there's a part of me which is grateful that such people still exist - and that the rest of us can read about their lives and exploits and be reminded that the world is far larger than we can ever hope to fully comprehend.

And, of course, it's all the more beautiful and interesting for it.

Striking While The Iron(y)'s Hot

As you may have seen in the news, the Writers' Guild of America strike has led to the Golden Globes awards ceremony being cancelled. This is mainly because the actors who would have been attending have said they're to willing to cross the picket lines which were predicted. Quite clever in a way, the WGA didn't actually have to physically picket, just say that they would. It seems unclear at the moment whether the threat of picketing will have the same sort of impact on the Oscars, due next month.

Further down the report linked above, you'll see mention of what one might argue are the first cracks in the studio's rock-like refusal to return to the table, as (and I sort-of expressed hope it might be the case in this post ) individual production companies have directly struck deals with the WGA. This gives them a commercial advantage, as they can work with WGA members (and that means they can actually have, you know, scripts for their products), unlike the members of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers.

And the names of the companies who have struck these deals add an amusing little touch to the news, as the film production company which has struck a deal is United Artists (first formed in 1919 to allow creative types more control over their work and pay), and the TV company behind David Letterman's nightly chat show, which - and note how the BBC site is too coy to mention it - rejoices in the frankly splendid name of 'Worldwide Pants'.

No, I'm Not Being Mean - With This Summary, I'm Saving You £14.99 Which You Might Spend On The DVD

Most workouts involve wearing loose-fitting exercise clothes and going to the gym, but not the WAGs' workout! It's all about fun - and certainly not about the correct use of the possessive apostrophe!

Here's the regime:

1. Put on tight-fitting non-exercise clothes and go to a nightclub, or hotel bar, known to be frequented by professional footballers.

2. Assume the position.

3. Go shopping.

4. Repeat stages 2 and 3 until the money runs out, or he's injured or dropped from the team.

(One Sentence) REVIEWS: Christmas TV 2007

Big Christmas Day films on BBC:
Maybe too much animation, but they clearly went shopping with full pockets.

Big Christmas Day films on ITV:
Were there any?

Doctor Who - Voyage of the Damned:
We knew Kylie's character wasn't going to last long enough to become a companion, didn't we?

EastEnders:
Only fitting that, after a year of spinning out the Max-Stacey-Bradley storyline, they spread the revelations over several episodes, I guess, but still…

Coronation Street:
Surely, the way Kevin punched John was the way Bradley should have punched Max in EastEnders?

The Catherine Tate Christmas Show:
I think I'd like to be the Script Editor on this show, it'd be nice to catch up on my sleep.

Now Wait For Next Year*

At this time of year, it's not only traditional to make New Year's resolutions, but also to take stock of things, and assess how much progress (if any) one's made in certain areas. David, Lucy, and Lianne have all posted on their goals and achievements with regard to writing in 2007, and so, perhaps slightly belatedly, I thought I'd do the same.

If I'm honest, I didn't really set myself many specific writing goals for 2007 (though there were a couple, of which more in a mo). I do feel, though, that I did pretty well in 'getting things out there', by which I mean I'm pleased that 2007 saw the following:
- Being selected as one of 100 bloggers whose work was included in a Comic Relief book
- Recording an audio version of the same blog entry for inclusion in the podcast version of the Comic relief book
- Book review work for the Fortean Times
- My 'flash fiction' urban myth being a finalist in, and thus performed at, the Urban Myths event at the Manchester Literature Festival

...I'm also quite pleased with the way this blog has evolved; I'm updating pretty much in line with the number of working days in the week (and sometimes more often than that), I think there's a good mix of topical, personal and silly items, and people who I've never met have been kind enough to link to me and to post comments, which makes it feel less like a displacement activity and more like a genuine form of communication with the world at large.

Mind you, it's not all sunshine - none of the above earned me any money, which is fine in the case of the charity stuff, but it's slightly disappointing to realise I earned more from eBaying unwanted stuff than I did from writing in 2007. Hmm.

And, as mentioned above, I had a couple of specific writing goals - to finish my novel 'Coming Back To Haunt You' and start the novel 'The Body Orchard' - which didn't really happen; sure, I started 'TBO' (as no-one's calling it except me) in November as part of National Novel Writing Month, but that was meant to be written after I'd finished 'CB2HU' (again, as nobody calls it apart from me), which remains only half done. And that isn't really good enough - especially as I know how the tale finishes.

So this year, as well as making some proper (read: not half-arsed) progress with the novels, I intend to finish off the radio play that's sitting on my hard drive unfinished, to expand and polish the screenplay I submitted for the Red Planet prize in 2007, and to get my horrendously out-dated website revamped, as I've been promising to do for … well, too damn long.

Am I making a public proclamation here, then? You know, I rather think I am. Okay , for the sake of argument let's say I am.
So : in 2008, I aim to finish my radio play, screenplay, 'CB2HU', and to make good progress with 'TBO'.
We'll meet back here in a year and see how far I get in relation to these, shall we?

*Apologies to Horselover Fat.

A Night At The Bingo

Alan Carr and Bingo from the Banana Splits - separated at birth?

Not that I'm having a go at Alan - in fact, I was pleased to see that his current stand-up DVD is selling very well - I saw the event live (tip of the hat to m'laydee for suggesting we go in spite of uncertainty on my part), and was very impressed indeed; ignore his appearances on the execrable 'Friday Night Project', where he's utterly wasted, and check out the DVD, where you can see what I consider a truly 'classic' stand-up set - lots of well-honed jokes and stories, which are all tight and to the point.

Genunely worth your time and money. Even if Alan does look like Bingo.

Welcome To 2008. I've Been Expecting You.

I've been here a few days now, waiting for you to get to Thursday 3 January, and lo and behold, here you are. I knew you'd show up in time.

Anyway, I hope that this year brings you good news and good luck.

Instead of me providing a round-up of 2007, I'll leave it to the *ahem* experts at the London Evening Standard, whose summary of events last year can be found by clicking here (caution: link contains pessimistic exaggeration and questionable journalism).