Sunday, March 29, 2009

Everything I Know About The Devil I Learned From Films

According to Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist”. And yet the devil seems to have left us quite a lot of information about him/herself, and a lot of it is recorded via the medium of film.

So, let’s take a look at some of the evidence, and see if we can begin to form an idea of where the Devil might be lurking. Because from what little I know about such matters, the Devil’s meant to be something of a rotter, and should probably be tracked down and apprehended as soon as possible.


PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:
The Devil is a woman, has seven faces, and wears Prada, notably a blue dress.

KNOWN ASSOCIATES:
The Devil has been known to associate with Miss Jones, Max Devlin, Daniels Webster and Johnston (and, though this is unverified, Robert Johnson). The Devil has a daughter, and another child of unspecified gender. The Devil also has a muse. Whilst the Devil takes some people on as his own, some people are rejected. Anecdotally, the Devil has my woman, though I see little evidence to this effect.

RELATED ACCESSORIES:
The Devil owns a playground, containing a chair. This chair is presumed to have orthopaedic qualities, the better to support the backbone.

TRANSPORTATION:
The Devil reportedly came on horseback, and is known to ride out. You may ride or race with the devil, possibly simultaneously.

HABITS:
The Devil is skilled at arithmetic. It is possible to dance with the Devil (this is corroborated by previous reports of the Devil having access to the best tunes).

KNOWN ADDRESSES AND RELATED LOCATIONS:
Whilst reportedly originating from Akasava, reports have more recently come in of the Devil from Doubt, Hot Springs and Hollywood (all claims currently being verified).

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:
The Devil has been known to accept candles, handshakes and sympathy.

...Given all this, taking the investigative approach from the detection training system Guess Who? as illustrated above, how difficult should it be to find the Devil? A seven-faced woman in a blue Prada dress on horseback should be pretty easy to spot, surely.